Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke