Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
No chill.