Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
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Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
went fishing caught a bass
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.