Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
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What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Buck naked
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds