Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
You Might Also Like
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.