kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I wish I could veto my bills.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Leaving the Barbers like
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]