Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
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Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that