Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
SHERIFF 1: You鈥檝e got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What鈥檚 up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It鈥檚 how you put fabric on couches
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I鈥檒l start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
never compromise your values
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
channeling her this year
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*