Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
barbara was highly relatable