“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
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Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
liiiiiiiiike
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell