Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
me adding lol on a serious message
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
guys I’m going home
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.