Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
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coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
He just like my cat fr
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
it be like that
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.