KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
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“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this