Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.