[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
You Might Also Like
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
the three genders
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.