KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.