*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
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Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
dictator is short for richard potato