Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
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If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..