@sad_tree

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

@LurkAtHomeMom

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

@JediGigi

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

@

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

@Mardigroan

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

@bartandsoul

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

@TheBoydP

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

@hurlarious

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

@notacroc

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

@gitson_shiggles

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..