Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
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I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind