Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
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Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.