@kelkulus

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

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@simoncholland

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

@XennDad

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

@causticbob

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

@XplodingUnicorn

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

@Erin1137

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

@squirrel74wkgn

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

@jordan_stratton

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]