KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
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My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
🍛
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.