Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE