Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Just a phase…
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Not today.. 😂
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger