Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
The Punning Dead.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.