Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
You Might Also Like
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.