@a_simpl_man

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

@P1ssed_K1d

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@ozzyunc

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

@ieatanddrink

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

@WilliamAder

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

@mstern68

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

@Amusitr0n

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

@LuvPug

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

@batkaren

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

@rockymomax

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha