Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

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Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.


Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.


Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.


Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain


My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.


You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’


Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT


*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack


Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.


[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha