Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.