kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
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walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference