Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
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Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
sugar glider wrangler
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”