kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
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Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does