Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
You Might Also Like
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while