Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent