Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
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My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business