Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
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Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Every damn time
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Knock Knock
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.