Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.