Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
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One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Just a bush.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.