@wendchymes

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

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@AimeeHelene1

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

@bornmiserable

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

@cravin4

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

@louisvirtel

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

@HousewifeOfHell

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

@frigginfrench

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

@MatCro

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

@slimmy_shady

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

@That_Damn_Duck

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.