@AimeeHelene1 (what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
@wendchymes Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
You Might Also Like
@AimeeHelene1 
@bornmiserable [United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
@PaulyPeligroso The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
@cravin4 Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
@louisvirtel “Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
@HousewifeOfHell Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
@frigginfrench two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
@MatCro Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
@slimmy_shady I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
@That_Damn_Duck A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.