Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
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I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed