kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
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I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes