Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time