Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Always
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Go girl power!
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you