Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.