* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Whisper out to librarians!
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT