Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
And now we wait
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.