King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.