King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
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Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
👾👾👾
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.