King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Happy Taco Tuesday
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.