king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.