king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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Oops I deleted….
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme