King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
lmfao come on
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.