Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian