King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
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(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Whisper out to librarians!
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates