KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
You Might Also Like
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
thank god the sign was there
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.