Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
The future is now.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Dear Lord..
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia