@SavageDabs69

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

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@garbagecoven

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

@mommajessiec

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

@truegritrumble

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

@catmarstru

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

@infamousone96

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

@wendchymes

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

@JermHimselfish

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

@dinnersruined

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie