@garbagecoven i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
@SavageDabs69 Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
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@garbagecoven 
@NoLuckWanted The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
@mommajessiec My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
@truegritrumble Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
@catmarstru “shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
@infamousone96 “I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
@wendchymes My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
@JermHimselfish The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
@dinnersruined I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
@Elvysbitch BRO LMFAO
