[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*